I was a bit nervous as I headed up the mountain, it was my first time to attend a ritual gathering at the Starhouse. In fact I haven't done any group ritual in almost 16 years and never with men. I have known of this place for quite a while but the timing was never right or I copped out at the last minute, but this was Beltaine. This is the Sabbat, if any, where I feel I want to be in a group.
I parked my car in the rough dirt lot and began my hike down to the Starhouse grounds. The first thing I saw as I cleared the treeline was a glorious view of the mountains and city below. It felt like I could see the edge of the world from here.
I went around a bend in the trail and came upon a small circle. There were twelve stumps surrounding a large crystal grid made of amethyst and the largest, clearest quartz clusters I've ever seen. Seated in the north of the circle up against a huge slab of rock was a goddess statue, Kuan Yin, the Chinese mother goddess. She sat with her back against the stone on the bare ground in a relaxed and joyful pose, almost alive. I noticed that she was surrounded by all the new flowers of spring so I tore a few daises from my flowered crown and added them to her collection with a little prayer. In the south of the circle was a wooden porch swing slung between two great pines so I sat, and as I sat, I felt all of my fears and anxiety melt away. It was nice to be alone here in this sacred place. I sat here in the silence for I don't know how long until I heard giggles and footsteps coming up the trail behind me. Anxiety rose again but a deep breath and a word to Kuan Yin helped to extinguish it.
I stood and introduced myself to the first person I saw, a raven-haired woman with a beaded headdress. Strangely enough we shared the same first name and the same hometown. I took it at as the last sign I needed to confirm that this is where I was supposed to be. She and I talked a bit as she lead me to the Starhouse itself. I had seen pictures of it but was totally unprepared for the reality of it. The twelve-sided structure was surrounded by a ring of eight henge-like stones aligned with the sacred directions.
To the south of the building there was a huge tor with red flagstone steps leading up to it. On top was a circle of torches and a huge maypole in the center. It's rainbow of ribbons fluttered in the mountain breeze waiting, calling out to the dancers to begin the weaving. I took a picture with my digital camera which seemed very out of place here so I put it away.
After exploring the tor and greeting the maypole I headed inside. There I found a dear old friend of whose beliefs I knew nothing. He greeted me with a warm embrace and introduced me around. I immediately felt at home. There were all sorts of people there men, women, children and elders of all shapes, sizes, colors and faiths. I offered to help set up but was instructed by a gigantic bearded man to explore the property since it was my first time there and I had some time before the ritual began, so I headed outside. I walked around the building and explored the great standing stones. Each one had a different feeling, something indescribable. Then I wandered eastward down the hill.
In a small clearing, to my surprise, I found a labyrinth. It was built of many stones stacked together, the path was deeply worn. As I entered the labyrinth it felt like I was stepping into some sort of giant soap bubble. My internal energies were shifting yet again. As I spiraled deeper into the labyrinth I began to recall the Beltaines from my past.
I thought of my first Beltaine at The Heart Of The Goddess in Pennsylvania. I could feel all of those women dancing around the 11 year-old me as they ushered me into womanhood. I could feel the touch of my soul mate as we made love on the river bank in Arizona on the Beltaine of my 18th year. I recalled every altar from the years I practiced alone. I could feel the Goddess flowing through me as I have only once before...that first Beltaine. As I reached the center of the labyrinth I began to cry. Not tears of sadness or despair but tears of joy and fulfillment. As I finished my journey I gave thanks for everything. I gave thanks for my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my health, my home and thanks for my relationship with Spirit as it has saved me so many times. I looked up the hill and noticed a swell of people around the Starhouse entrance and thought this is it, here we go.
I made my way inside and picked a spot on the long wooden benches that encircle the inside of the temple. A woman in shiny purple parachute pants and Pan horns on her head passed by me and I heard her say "Smudge?". I replied with no thought at all "Smudge?" She turned to me with these great eyes overflowing with loving energy and said "Oh, so you are my helper?" I replied "Ok." Next she asked if I had brought my husband, boyfriend or a man of any sort, I told her no and she said "Sounds like it's time to find you a slave." So we went outside to search for volunteers. There was an adorable young man, Faelynn, similar in age to me who raised his hand first. It wsa his first time to the Starhouse as well. When Saaraah (purple pants lady) told him he was lucky to be my slave he said "Slave? I thought you said who wants a snack?" and his laughter filled the cool mountain air. I felt a slight tingle in my root chakra that made me giggle. This was just the beginning.
With the wind blowing it took a considerable effort to light the smudges, once we did the women smudged the men and the men smudged us. Then we cleansed the working space as we watched all the women gather in the Kuan Yin circle and the men retreat into a ravine for their own circle. The musicians joined us and we cleansed all of them with our smoke and then Faelynn and I danced around like maniacs until we heard the call to ritual. The drum beat was low and slow, it seemed to me to be the beat of the heart of the Goddess. The two groups began their procession toward us and I felt just a fleeting moment of anxiety remedied by Faelynn's comforting touch on my lower back.
I had assumed that there would be at least a few hundred people there, but was happy to see only about 30 women and 15 men coming toward us. We women cleansed the men one at a time as they entered the circle, the men cleansed the women. Because there were twice as many men as women we staggered them in a ring; woman, woman, man, woman, woman, man. As you can imagine this made the men very happy. What man wouldn't be? When everyone else was finished being smudged we stashed our tools and joined the circle and as we did the crowd fell silent.
In the silence I took a moment to notice that I felt totally relaxed, comfortable and at home here. This is a very strange feeling for me as I have suffered with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) for most of my life. I don't feel this comfortable in my own home. It felt good, really, really good. Then the gigantic bearded man from earlier stepped to the maypole and said in a great booming voice "I am Timothy and I welcome you to Beltaine at the Starhouse!" the joyous sound of shouts and trills and instruments rose up from the circle into the sky, then we fell silent once again. Saaraah then came to center and with her we called upon the four corners. A huge gust of icy mountain wind came up as we called each direction. Then we held hands and danced around and around til I thought I'd faint. It was time for the maypole.
Timothy gave us the maypole directions and we began to chant and dance and weave. We ribbon dancers sang the melody and danced while the outer ring sang harmony and circled us sunwise. The drums and flutes gradually became faster and louder as the energy was raised. I could feel my Kundelini rising up from the base of my spine. Each time I passed Faelynn his eyes grew brighter and his smile wider. The maypole was finished in a short while and it was perfect. The May King and Queen tied off the ends of ribbon and formed an archway of flowered branches for us all to pass through on our way out of the circle. As we passed they offered us a blessing with a spritz of orange blossom and rosewater. The scent was heavenly.
As I skipped down the moist grassy slope back to the sanctuary, like a light hearted girl with all the worries of the world left behind I felt someone grab my hand, it was Faelynn. "Hey you never leave your slave behind!" he exclaimed, delighting in his newly found role as my ritual partner. I stopped, pulled him close and ever so lightly kissed his whiskered cheek. As i did so I felt the Beltaine fire burning within me. Then I turned away quickly and dragged him inside behind me.
The sanctuary glowed within, the wooden walls dancing with the candle's flames. Each window was lit with a slender white taper candle and a fire blazed in the hearth. We each chose a tea light, lit it from the central altar candle and placed them on giant silver trays on either side of the entrance.
Saaraah and Timothy taught us chants and songs and dances. We sang of love and fertility, we sang of the Beltaine fires of transformation, we sang of letting go of unwanted things and of planting our seeds for the future. At one point all of the men gathered in a circle in the center facing out as we women encircled them facing inward. We did a dance and sang of the Green Man and his bride the May Queen. In the chorus of this song the men would dance forward and in their most manly voices sang "Follow me sweet Queen of May and I will light your fire" and in return we answered with our most seductive voices "Come with me o King of May for I am your hearts desire." Even though it was a show created as a symbol for this sacred day I could feel Faelynn's pull on me grow stronger each time we approached one another.
The last song we sang spoke of balance, give and take, and the importance of community. When the drums ceased we all sank to the floor in a hot sweaty mess. All around were rosy cheeks, smiles, hugs, laughter and couples kissing. I felt full. I laid my head on Faelynn's shoulder as we followed Timothy in a guided release meditation. I vowed to release and let go of all the negative things in my life, all the things that hinder my path and keep me from being who I really am.
Although I had been on that mountain for almost 5 hours it felt like one, the night was far too quickly drawing to a close. We made our way back up the tor to close the circle. The Colorado night air was stinging cold so all of us huddled tightly together around the woven maypole for warmth as the leaders said their final words. We sang one final song thanking and dismissing the quarters. It was over and I began to cry tears of gratitude and joy once again. The salty tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks as I hugged and said goodbye to my old friend and all my new ones. I hugged both Timothy and Saaraah, thanked them and swore I'd be back, but I couldn't find Faelynn.
I gathered my things and helped to pick up a bit and then began the steep rocky climb back to my car. From far behind I heard "Mistress, mistress!" Faelynn came running up behind me laughing and said "You wouldn't abandon your slave without saying goodbye would you?" I grabbed him around the neck and thanked him, he had been a crucial part of this night for me. He said it had been a pleasure and then he kissed me. He kissed me long, hard and passionately, I thought I would melt right there in his arms. As our bodies pressed and mingled together I was overwhelmed with desire for him. Although I wanted to fall to the ground with him and make love as God and Goddess right then and there, I somehow managed to pull away. We thanked each other and said goodnight. I wonder if our paths will ever cross again.
In the end this night has become one of the most special, important and trans formative experiences of my life. I will never forget and I will always return to the Starhouse.
